How to communicate with people who have different opinions?
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Many times I’ve been wondering, how can I work with people who have a different approach to animal training from me? For a very long time, I found it impossible to do. I thought that I just can’t work with them because we will never get to the same conclusions, our approach differs too much. It took me a long time to start to see a possible solution. It took many hours of learning and many books read. I still need a lot of practice but now I believe it’s the best way forward. Let me share with you my reflections on the subject.
How easy it is to change someone’s opinion?
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How do you feel when someone tries to change your opinion about something? For your every argument he or she gives counterargument. You start to feel forced to have the same opinion and you don’t feel like your opinion is valued at all.
As much as this can potentially work if someone has good enough arguments, what it also creates is resistance. No one likes to be forced to do anything. We like to feel heard and acknowledged. Why would you trust someone who you feel doesn’t listen to you and is forcing you to think as they think? Without trust, it’s difficult to believe the other person.
I believe that the best way to communicate with people with different opinions is to start from listening. Why is it that this person believes in what he/she believes? Can you understand and acknowledge the logic behind it?
Have you ever believed in something and later changed your opinion about it? How easy it was? Giving people time to get to know the other opinion, get used to it, apply it, and see it work can be the best way to ensure change. I know that I don’t change my opinions in a blink of an eye, it takes time. Why would I ever expect others to change their opinions fast?
We forget how it was for us and just expect people to be on the same page. But have you ever reflected on how you got here? Did you always have this opinion or did something changed it?
When all you can think of is “I’m right and you are wrong” can you keep a dialogue going?
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Book Crucial Conversations by Al Switzler, Joseph Grenny, and Ron McMillan is my to-go tool to explore difficult conversations. One of the advice given is to be equally vigorous to hear other opinions as we are to share ours. Listening to the other person and relating to them creates trust and opens up the conversation. Thinking that there is only one right thing to do and everyone else “must” see it too, is limiting your abilities to keep the dialogue going.
What is it that you want from the conversation? Can you find any other goal than to change someone else’s opinion? Do you want to create a long-lasting relationship? Allow people to have different opinions and talk about them openly. The language that you’ll use will be different. Create trust first and look for the things you can agree on. We really don’t have to agree on everything.
When you start to force your opinion on others, it creates tension. The emotions can start to run high. It’s not the best environment to learn. Could you start from the things you are agreeing upon and look for a mutual purpose? What is it that you want from this conversation and what wants the other person?
We often fight with each other because we want others to believe that we are right. Our motives change into – I want to win the argument. This easily creates tactics that are not pleasant, to say the least. We lose focus and instead attack the other person or we go into silence and we stop the conversation altogether without saying what we wanted to say.
Finding a mutual purpose can be the best way of keeping the dialogue going. We want everyone to share their thoughts and opinions and not being scared of judgment. Every conversation and the way it will go starts with us. When we start to take responsibility and notice how we contribute, we give ourselves a chance to influence the outcome.
Start from listening and offer one thing to work on at a time
It’s not about winning the conversation, it’s about finding a way forward. I don’t want to tell people ‘don’t do this with your dog’. I want to show them what they can try and ask if they are willing to give it a go. I say, ‘this is a new option that you can try and you can choose from’. I would ask if there is a time of the day where they could try this technique? I strongly believe that people learn from practice and when they see something works, they will be more likely to apply it. I don’t have to convince anyone, they can choose for themselves.
I would love to hear what you think! Can you find instances of this being true? Can you find instances when you think it won’t work? Share your thoughts, I would love to read it.
I don’t particularly like to anthropomorphise but they look like they’re talking! I couldn’t resist!
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