Have you ever been grateful for fear in your life?
I remember many difficult moments in my past that made me overwhelmed by fear. It was painful, it sucked and I desperately wanted this fear to go away. I learned to do everything I can to avoid it.
I wouldn't speak in any group situation, I avoided people, I didn’t share my opinion. All because I so desperately wanted to avoid pain. Just in case I would suffer from being rejected or laughed at by the group. I would rather never share my opinion. It was too risky for me. I labelled myself as shy and I said: “that’s just who I am”. For a very long time, I didn’t even try to change whom I thought I was.
The pain I felt was very real. I was heartbroken when someone judged what I said or laughed at it. I would cry for hours at home because it hurt me so much. I was afraid of this pain and I didn’t want to feel it anymore. The problem was, I went completely the wrong way about it!
It’s not about avoiding situations that may (or may not) cause you pain and suffering. It doesn’t actually reduce those painful feelings. The truth is, suffering is an inevitable part of life and it will come one way or another anyway. The only way to not feel that much suffering is to learn to let it be when it comes. It eventually goes away and you would be surprised how fast it disappears when you don't avoid it. It's about changing what you normally do, adopting new skills and putting them in practice immediately.
What do you do when you are afraid of something? What is your current reaction? What will you do next time? I believe it is very useful to firstly get the awareness of what we currently do before we try to make any changes. I know I learned to avoid situations that previously caused me suffering. The minute I felt afraid, I had millions of negative thoughts and rationalised why I feel I can't do this thing that is ahead of me, I was very negative about myself and I ended up not doing the thing that felt uncomfortable. I wanted to run away from those feelings but I was also adding a lot more suffering when I later judged myself as a failure “for not doing what I should do”.
There are certain things we can do to change our current state. Reading a good book, going for a walk, dancing or singing can get you out of the state of suffering or fear. I believe it is important to break the pattern of perpetual negative thoughts that are around our suffering and fear. When you are in the midst of it, it's difficult to do anything else than you normally do. It’s what you do after that makes the biggest difference.
Even when you break the pattern, it’s inevitable that suffering and fear will come back. Could you next time approach it differently? Look at it from an observer point of view and see if you judge it or judge yourself for it? Fear and even pain don’t have to be judged and labelled as bad. It can be seen as an interesting thing that happens in your life. Going through a difficult moment teach us something. It can also be an opportunity to be in the present moment and try approaching it differently.
What if you just allow it to be? It’s going to be very uncomfortable at first. When you look at it with curiosity you might discover just how much you judge yourself and how many negative thoughts you have. The thing is, all of them are ok. You don’t need to push them, hate them and feel bad for having them. It’s all ok.
Learning to see fear and suffering just as appearances in my head that don't actually have control over my behaviour was one of the most important skills I ever started to develop! It empowers me to have new responses instead of continuing the same, old habits. Now, I meet suffering head-on, with curiosity and without judgment. I'm grateful for it because it gives me an opportunity to practise being present.
Avoiding things that previously caused our suffering is painful in itself. I was dismissing the feeling of fear, I thought I'm avoiding it but the truth is, I still felt it. Now, I meet my fears. I've done it slowly, step by step. When I had a chance, I started approaching people I wanted to talk to but previously felt scared to do so. One person at a time, it started to become easier. In a group situation (also on Zoom calls), I started to share my thoughts, no matter how trivial it seemed. Even when I said one sentence, I already celebrated overcoming my fear. I felt happy with the progress. In other words, I positively reinforced my behaviour and new pattern I started to develop. I didn't expect from myself that now I will give a one-hour presentation to the group of strangers. I valued every little step and I enjoyed the journey.
I wouldn't be able to do that if I didn't notice my patterns and decided to do something else instead. It wasn't about becoming the heart and the soul of a party. That would be a highly unrealistic expectation! It was about enjoying every time that I've done something different than usual. Talking to a stranger for someone else might seem like nothing to be proud of. For me, it was a giant step that moved me forward and helped me get to the point where I share my voice within a group of strangers. I'm proud of my progress.
Everyone needs to start somewhere. Where it will take you? You will only find out when you try.
With the group of people I just met :)
